Finding My Way Back To Me

There was a time that I shaped myself to fit every mold - checking all the boxes, doing what I was "supposed" to do, and trying to belong in a world built on expectations and norms that I never agreed to. Somewhere along the way, I realized I had lost my place - not because I failed, but because I had grown.

I have been on a spiritual journey for quite some time - trying to better understand myself and the world. I guess it completely went off the rails about a year ago. I was working as an Executive Director of a Chamber of Commerce, Main Street and CTB. (Yeah I think burnout had a lot to do with it) I was always trying to fit the mold. Don't do or say anything that would offend people or make them think badly of you. Don't be yourself - because they won't like the way that you are. Act a certain way - a way that is expected of someone in your position. Hell - I didn't even want my husband to have a good time because I didn't want him to embarrass me! I was so concerned with what other people thought of me that I didn't even know who "ME" was. One conversation with one business owner was the final straw - and I couldn't be happier that it happened. What in the moment was pure rage and frustration and a hurt heart turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me. That week I decided to leave my job and venture out on my own.

Oh - but don't be fooled. That decision almost broke me. I tried another job for a few months - but sitting at a desk all day just wasn't for me. So giving up the security of a steady paycheck - I decided to start my own business - Zenspired Strategies. In the beginning - I was excited - then frustrated - then impostor syndrome - all the feels. I did all of the work and learned all of the things and my goal was to help small businesses learn to do their own marketing. Boy do they need it! Guess what - they didn't want to learn how to do their own marketing. They wanted it done for them. Cool. Makes sense - but then they don't want to pay either. Now - don't get me wrong - I have a couple of amazing clients that I work with - but I have always had a problem charging what I am worth. Still do actually. (Note to self - work on that!) My executive director position started out at $12 bucks an hour (and that was only 5 years ago) I didn't take the position for the money - I wanted to be able to help my community. But what everyone knows but doesn't want to admit is that when you do more - you are then expected to do more - and more - and more - until you break.

So the question you are left with is why? Is it really worth all of the stress and the medical issues just to make others happy? I think as a Gen X'er and a woman approaching 50 - it was engrained in our brains that's what we are supposed to do. Work hard - be miserable - come home and die. Well that doesn't sound like much fun - why did I ever think that was a good idea?

Now here I am - I started these blogs as a way to carve out a space where I can be real, raw and honest about the messy, beautiful, confusing journey of self-discovery. This is for anyone who's ever felt like they don't quite fit the way society and the world tells you to anymore - not because something's wrong, but because something deep inside has shifted - and you are ready. I want people to feel the connection - to feel like you are not alone (because too many times I have thought that). To share what I love and have found helpful along this journey.

I've spent too long being who I thought I should be - now I am simply being me, and I hope to meet and help others doing the same.

The Love's of my life